My Deepest and Darkest Secret

I have many secrets. I am a woman shrouded in them; as all women are, I suppose. My deepest and darkest secret is that I have told so many lies. These lies are terrible lies. The have a base in fact but are nonetheless, lies.

When I look into the mirror, I see that little girl who didn't understand her fears, reactions and thoughts of that night her Grandfather reached into her shirt. The same little girl who feels the torturous shame at what she let him do. The little girl who couldn't understand her body's reaction to the repulsive groping and feeling. How will, how could, anyone possibly love something that 'used'?

Her family certainly didn't. Her sisters questioned why just me and not them? Surely they were the more beautiful of the group of girls. This couldn't have happened to her-she must be a liar . Her mother hit her clear across the room for 'spreading lies' even as the light of understanding and familiarity shone in her eyes. This was the first thing they had ever had in common. Her father just watched in disbelief at the whole situation. He would not stop her mother's rage.

If I stare a little longer, I begin to see the woman I've become. The woman who for all her years and experience, still remains that little girl. For this reason alone, she will continue to lie. If others can accept a horrible and twisted view of her then maybe, perhaps, she will feel the removed emotion of love. Could it be that her soul can feel that small touch of warmth and not the cold hands of a child molester?

It is cold where I am at. I feel detached. Sometimes I am looking in.....sometimes I am looking out. There are times where the beauty of her own family break the barrier for just a single moment. It is then that all the beauty and splendor radiate down upon her hidden face. It is also then that all the horror that has been beating on that shell she has erected around her begins to choke her until she retreats. It will be standing guard there until the next moment.

Female 27 Az.
" The Guardian "
mix media on wood
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